By Howard Shirley, Teen Department
with apologies to Joss Whedon and Sam Raimi
RICK, or Rick Grimes, is the lead character of the graphic novel and television series, The Walking Dead written by Robert Kirkman, which features a zombie pandemic that turns much of North America (and presumably the rest of the world) into a land dominated by re-animated corpses that attack any other living thing, including Rick’s band of survivors.
ASH, played by Bruce Campbell, battles his own version of undead zombies in the popular Sam Raimi films, The Evil Dead, The Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness. Part horror films, part camp comedy, the story was recently revised as a television series starring Campbell. ASH’s line about the shotgun is borrowed from the films.
JAYNE or Jayne Cobb was the “muscle” character in the short-lived sci-fi cult series, Firefly, as well as the movie set in the same universe, Serenity, and a series of graphic novels written by the show’s creator, Joss Whedon (writer/director of the hit Avengers movie). Many of the stories in the series feature the “reavers,” which, while not actually undead zombies, are clearly inspired by classic zombie horror films, and appear to equally hard to stop and equally hungry for human flesh. Vera is Jayne’s favorite gun. JAYNE’s description of Vera is taken from the television series.
ARCHIE is the famous comic character from the long-running comic book series. JUGHEAD is his best friend. Recently both feature in Afterlife With Archie written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, graphic novels set in an alternate universe, where the town of Riverdale, including many of Archie’s friends, succumb to a zombie plague.
A high school cafeteria room, with tables and chairs. There are double doors with frosted glass window panes set in them that lead out of the room. A podium has been set up on one of the tables. RICK stands behind the podium, holding a gavel. The others, except for JUGHEAD, move about the room.
RICK: I now call the first meeting of the Zombie Survivalists Society to order. First on the agenda–
(Noise from the back). No, Jayne, we are not changing the name to the “Not-Deaders Gang.”
JAYNE: But I *like* that name.
RICK (pounds gavel): As I was saying, first on the agenda, did anyone lock the door?
ARCHIE: Jughead went to do that!
RICK: Both doors?
ARCHIE: Sure. Don’t worry. We can trust Jughead.
JAYNE: What kinda mother names her kid “Jughead?”
ASH: Same kind that names her son “Jane.”
JAYNE: It’s JAYNE. With a “Y.”
ASH: And I’m Ash. With a chainsaw.
(SOUND EFFECT: Loud chainsaw revving.)
RICK (pounds gavel): Ash, turn that thing off. The undead will hear it!
ASH: Let ‘em. I got plenty of gas.
RICK: Off, Ash.
ASH: All right, all right. No need to get your gavel bent outta shape. It’s off.
RICK: I think that’s tip one, folks. Noise attracts the undead. So it’s best to keep as quiet as you can, even if you’re well-armed… or, uh, have a chainsaw for an arm.
JAYNE: Wait, that thing is part of you? You ain’t got no hand under there?
ASH: Lose a hand, gain a chainsaw. Groovy.
ARCHIE: They had a chainsaw at the hospital?
ASH: Hospital? Naw, kid, I got this in Hardwares at S-mart. Shop smart, kid. Shop S-mart.
ARCHIE: That doesn’t sound all that smart.
ASH (shrugs): Smart, dumb– I’m the one with the chainsaw hand.
ARCHIE: What does that even mean?
RICK (pounds gavel): Okay, okay. Let’s get back to business. Seems like a good time to talk about armament.
ASH: Chainsaw and boomstick (waves shotgun)— The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington, S-Mart’s top of the line. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. Shop smart, shop S-mart!
ARCHIE: Who talks like that? It’s like I’m trapped in an alternate universe.
JAYNE: Shiny. But I got Vera. (Holds up military rifle) It’s a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger, double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun. Can’t get that at your S-mart.
ASH: Can’t get ammo for it, either.
RICK: Solid point. A gun’s no good without bullets.
JAYNE: Oh, I got lots of bullets. Armor piercing, Alliance armory stuff, best you can buy in the Black.
RICK: Why would you want armor piercing rounds?
JAYNE: In case them goram reavers pick up some body armor off dead Alliance troopers.
ARCHIE: Wait, what’s a whatchamacallit “reaver?”
JAYNE: What we’re talking about, right? Come at ya’ fast, rippin’ ya’ apart. Only way to stop ‘em is to kill ‘em fast. And Vera will do that, full auto, broad spread.
ASH: You gonna get head shots on a horde of deadites with full auto?
JAYNE: Head shots? Why head shots?
ASH: Because that’s the only way you kill deadites—take out the brain. Or say the right words.
RICK: Words? What words?
ASH: Klaatu barada nikto… or something like that.
ARCHIE: How is a quote from The Day the Earth Stood Still supposed to stop zombies?
JAYNE: Zombies? Ain’t we talking about reavers? Ya’ know, men what’s gone nuts on account of the Alliance mucking around with folks brains?
ASH: Naw, we’re talking about deadites, the living dead, summoned from the grave by unholy magic and dumb teenagers.
ASH: No offense, carrot head.
RICK: “Unholy magic?” Where’d you get that? All the zombies I know of are caused by a viral plague. They bite, you get infected, die, and the virus brings your corpse back, with a raging hunger for human flesh.
JAYNE: Hang on, I’m taking notes. Can you guys talk a bit slower?
ASH: Well, those deadites never made me a zombie, but they possessed my hand. Had to cut it off for this! (Revs chainsaw again.)
ARCHIE: Cut off your own hand? That is completely gross.
ASH: Gross? Naw. Kiddo, it’s groovy.
JAYNE: So you guys are saying instead of insane killer nutjobs from the Black, you’re fighting superfast dead people from Hell? Told Mal he shoulda sent Shepherd Book to this shindig instead of me.
ARCHIE: Ours aren’t fast. They just kinda shuffle, like Frankenstein. (He mocks the walk.)
RICK: Yep, that’s about right.
JAYNE: You guys can’t run away from that?
ASH: Sure woulda made my life a lot groovier.
ARCHIE: Hard to run when the whole high school just keeps walking after you, never stopping, moaning for your flesh, like this—(Moans) URRRRRRRRR….
RICK: Whole school? Make that the whole world. As far as I can tell, it’s a global pandemic.
JAYNE: I ain’t thinking that’s any kind of what I’d call ‘groovy,’ Sawboy.
RICK: Look, this whole thing is about survival. And that’s more than just having the right weapon or knowing where to shoot. You need a plan, dependable transportation, a safe route for evacuation, supplies and more. And you have to make certain everybody in your family is on the same page, so they all know what to do and where to go when disaster strikes.
JAYNE: That’s a bit more than I can write down on this candy wrapper.
ASH: I’m surprised you can write anything down.
RICK: You don’t have to. The Center for Disease Control has already created a preparedness plan for dealing with a zombie plague. You can find it on the Internet at http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm.
ARCHIE (using a tablet): I’ve got it right here. Look, they even have a graphic novel we can download. http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies_novella.htm
ASH (to JAYNE): Groovy. That oughta make it easy enough for you to understand.
JAYNE: Ha. Funny. (to RICK) But if this plan is for zombies like you’re talking about, why are me and Lefty here?
JAYNE (continuing): Sounds like we got totally different monsters to fight.
RICK: The plan works for just about any disaster—zombie plagues, reaver attacks, or more realistic events like floods, tornadoes, disease outbreaks and more. The right things to do are pretty much the same, no matter what happens.
ARCHIE: I gotta show this to the gang. We could have been much better prepared when it all started. Jughead, Moose, Reggie, Betty, Veronica—sure would have helped.
RICK: Speaking of Jughead, where is that friend of yours? He should have been back by now.
ARCHIE: Well, I dunno. Wait, there he is!
(All turn to look at a shadow appearing in the windows of the doors into the room. It’s Jughead’s trademark crown-toothed hat.)
JAYNE: Nice hat. I’d wear that.
The door opens, and Jughead staggers into the room, one arm out, one clutching his stomach mouth open.
JUGHEAD (moaning): Muh-urrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
ALL (except JUGHEAD): RUN!
There is a mad dash for the exit, with yells, screams and knocking over of chairs. JUGHEAD alone remains in the room.
JUGHEAD: …urrrppp! ‘xcuse me! Man, that was a long time coming up. Any of you guys want a sandwich, too? Guys?
The CDC Zombie Preparedness Guide is real, if tongue-in-cheek. Though centered around an imaginary zombie plague, the guide offers real tips and advice for general disaster preparedness.