By Stacy Parish, Children’s Department
Darling Reader, I’m going to let you in on a little industry secret. A couple of them, actually.
Most human librarians have not read–and occasionally don’t have an awareness of–every single book in their respective libraries.
And . . . brace yourselves for Librarian Secret #2 . . . there are books that some librarians don’t even like.
Okay, okay, simmer down now. I know this may come as an unpleasant shock to some of you, but it really shouldn’t. Just as even the esteemed Dumbledore enjoyed lemon drops but didn’t much care for Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans, so it goes with those of us who spend our days surrounded by the good, the bad, and the ugly of literature. (Dirty little secret #3: there are actually librarians who do not like the Harry Potter series, but in the interest of good citizenry, I shall not reveal their identities here. Hey, just because I love those books to the point of dressing up as Bellatrix Lestrange on Halloween and random Tuesdays doesn’t mean that everyone has to love them.)
Since it is a bankable fact that I’m a tremendous slacker and try to get my colleagues to do my work for me whenever any opportunity presents itself . . . oh, wait . . . I mean, since I value the viewpoints and opinions of my co-workers and try to practice inclusion whenever I can . . . and because this would be a really boring article if I just rattled on about the books that I despise (Johnny Tremain), I have solicited (and paraphrased in some instances) opinions from my smart and talented fellow librarians, and several of them have been kind enough to share their thoughts with me about children’s books that they personally find odious, irksome, or just plain weird. I have also given my “guests” pseudonyms taken from the aforementioned Harry Potter series (and did I mention how much I love those books?) so that no repercussions may befall them for placing their confidence in me. Therefore, Darling Reader, I present to you in no particular order a short list of books that are disliked by at least one (and sometimes more) WCPL employee.
“The only book that I can truly say that I despise is Madonna’s The English Roses. And the reason has more to do with the fact that Madonna says she wrote it because, when she had her child, she ‘couldn’t find any good books out there for children, so she had to write her own.’ The arrogant ignorance of that statement caused me to hate the book on general principle!” says a kind and lovely librarian to whom I’ll refer as “Madam Pomfrey,” Hogwarts’ school matron, or school nurse, in American parlance. (Author’s aside: a used hardcover copy of The English Roses is available at Amazon for the astonishingly low price of fifteen cents. I am so not making this up.)
Librarian “Godric Gryffindor” is also not a fan of Madonna’s alleged books, or of those by almost any celebrity or pop-culture figure, whether they go by one name, or two or three. “However, I doubt if I could name a specific title, because I’ve banished all the crappy ones from my mind,” Gryffindor states. And by Merlin’s beard, don’t even get him started on some of the adult “classics” . . .
Next up, a two-for-one. Staffers “Kingsley Shacklebolt” and “Professor Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank” weigh in on Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. “This book is sweet if you don’t think too hard about it; very stalker-mom if you do think about it, and once you do, you can never go back to sweet,” says Shacklebolt. “It is just so incredibly sad!” states Professor Grubbly-Plank. The author concurs on both opinions.
“I like books that teach or are an example of good behavior or qualities, and use proper grammar. Also, humor is wonderful, but not bathroom humor,” says a librarian I’ll refer to as “Molly Weasley.” Again, the author agrees. I adored the late Barbara Park, author of the popular Junie B. Jones books, as she was a wonderful person and a fellow alumna of the University of Alabama, but I truly cringe every time I connect a child with ol’ Junie B. Some folks find Junie B. charming and funny, others find her to be ill-mannered and obnoxious. Ditto for Dav Pilkey’s Captain Underpants books, as well as Jeff Kinney’s Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. Personally, I try to make myself feel a little better about young patrons being devoted to these series; at least they’re engaged and reading something, I tell myself. The darker side of my psyche usually responds with a profanity-laced reply that I keep to myself.
The final entries in this ridiculous annoying snarky insanely funny blog are brought to you by two fabulous librarians to whom I shall bequeath the pseudonyms of “Luna Lovegood” and “Hermione Granger.” Hermione told me that she put some thought into my query, and that there aren’t that many kid-lit choices that she really detests, but that any books featuring Caillou (that whiny bald-headed Canadian kid who torments his little sister Rosie and the family cat Gilbert) are definitely on her list. Also, “there was this dead bird book that was pretty morbid.” Indeed—The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown, author of the classics Goodnight Moon and The Runaway Bunny. Luna’s least-favorite children’s book also contains a theme of death and grieving: I Cried Too by Jim Schmidt. Our sweet Luna wants to make it clear that she doesn’t dislike this book, but that the subject matter just makes it so hard to get through.
Darling Reader, if you’ve stuck with me this far, thank you. I hope this blog made you laugh, made you think, but most of all I hope it made you want to read—even if it is something that isn’t universally loved by librarians. Because really, that’s the whole point, isn’t it? Read what YOU love, and have fun. Until next time–